Today I returned to the orphanage. The minute I walked in the door I was hit simultaneously with such a full heart and yet such a brokenness. It took time for the children to warm up again--after 3 months away they had to decide if this white girl was somebody they could trust. But by the time I left today my name was being repeated like a broken record and my arms, lap, and heart were full. I love this place. Yes, it is an orphanage. Yes there are hurting children there. Yes, I wish places like these did not have to exist... I wish all children could stay happy and healthy with their parents where they would grow up loved and nurtured. But that is not reality. If I could move in there, have these children crawl into bed with me every night and wake up to their faces each morning, I think I would do it. Nowhere else in my life have I been able to pour out so much of Christ's love and see Him work in such huge ways! Nowhere else on earth do I feel so close to my creator, and so called to bring the troubles that lie within the compound walls to His feet knowing He is the only one who can transform these children.
These children, before I even get into the compound are calling my name. Toddlers who know my knock...See my shoes under the gate...Know that after breakfast, Hannah comes. Their lives, their treasured little souls, rejuvenate me in ways nothing else ever has before.
But being back today was not all sunshine and bliss. I was reminded yet again of the brokenness in our world. My little miss with a little less sparkle in her eyes. A 1.5kg baby boy abandoned on the streets Friday afternoon. I just want to fix it. To give up everything and take in these babies. To help strengthen just one more tiny soul. To extend my trip just one more month. To change just one more life. But then I am reminded that God did not NEED me for any of the things I have been a part of this year. But He graciously saw my heart willing and desiring to make a difference and He invited me along to be a part of what He was doing.
Since arriving in Ethiopia, my innocence has been shattered. My ability to simply exist in this world is gone. You see, in coming here I have been broken. Broken in a good way, but broken nevertheless. Broken for the lives of children who are thrown out. Broken for the hearts of children who will never feel a deep bond and security of a loving mother and father and a nurturing home. Broken for the reality that this world is about as far from perfect as things get, and yet I cannot change it. I cannot change the laws, provide a home for every child, and ensure every baby is loved. I sit here some nights wondering if by some stretch of the imagination I can. And believe me if there was a way I would find it. But in these times when I am reminded of how small I am in this world, it takes me to a deeper place of trusting God who is BIGGER than the brokenness of this world.
I wish I could fix it all. I really do. But I am left clinging to this quote and trusting that while I was here I did everything I could for the lives God placed in my path...
"This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects far beyond our capabilities. We may never see the results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders, ministers not messiah, prophets of a future that is now our own, empowered by the Spirit who draws us onward."
