Lost in Others

     

     I love this quote because it could not be more true! This year, I have had the opportunity to serve. To be the hands and feet of Christ, sent to this place for a purpose. I came here to serve others, and through it I have learned time and time again what real joy is. 

     Real joy is serving somebody who can never repay you. Real joy is knowing that you are exactly where God desires for you to be. Real joy is living life so far beyond your comfort zone and yet feeling that that is where you were meant to be. 

     The life that I have stateside is wonderful. It's full of love and laughter, happiness and joy. However, this year I discovered a deeper happiness--one that came not from the quality of my life but rather from the quality of others. I learned what it means to live. I experienced what it is to love with my whole heart and live beyond myself. 

    The children that God placed in my life this year are young. Most under two years old. The reality is that they will not remember me, they won't know about the days we spent laughing and loving. At first, that was hard for me, but I realized something in it. I realized that the ripple affect of this love in their lives will continue on. They may not remember, but they are changed. As I go, I go with their faces forever etched on my heart, forever a part of me. Ready to share their stories and grow the number of prayer warriors lifting up their souls and their earthly lives to the ever-faithful Father. 

    This year, God placed young lives before me and called me to share His love with them. To hold them close, pray over them, and tell them each and every day that they are loved. In two weeks, my days with them will be over, but my opportunity to lift them up to the God who holds their lives will live on. In leaving Ethiopia, I am ever so thankful for prayer. Thankful that while I will no longer spend my days with a lap full of these beautiful children, I can spend them with my heart full of love for them praying that each of these children will find their place at the feet of Jesus. 

It's Complicated...

     I am just 2.5 short weeks away from leaving Ethiopia. Not going to lie, I am a little nervous. I am nervous because not a cell in my being is ready to say goodbye to these children. I am nervous because, as excited as I am to be home, I don't quite fit in there anymore. I am nervous because I have an entire year's worth of life changing experiences that nobody can fully understand. 

     I think the easy part is behind me. Leaving America and crossing the ocean to serve for a year in Ethiopia was nothing compared to my fears in returning into the unknowns of home. They say every returning missionary experiences the reestablishment process differently. The hard part for me, being a planner, is that I will not know what to expect until I am in the midst of life stateside again, taking joys and struggles one day at a time. 

How can you pray?

• As I start setting dates to present at churches and committing to different speaking engagements, pray that God would place the right words on my heart. 
• As I take in my final 2 weeks with the kids at the orphanage, pray that my love will overflow in greater ways than ever before and that I will be able to leave saying "Lord, I gave it my all... I have nothing left". 
• Pray for my family as they prepare to welcome me home, as life yet again changes for all of us. 
• Pray for my heart as I deal with the ups and downs of this unknown path I am embarking on, and that through my greatest joys and moments of deep sorrows I would find myself deeply rooted in Christ. 

     There is a lot that lies ahead in the next 2.5 weeks. I am frightened and excited, joyful and yet sad, and eager and yet unsure. Thankful for all of you who are prayerfully walking with me in this. 

How Ethiopia Broke Me...

     Today I returned to the orphanage. The minute I walked in the door I was hit simultaneously with such a full heart and yet such a brokenness. It took time for the children to warm up again--after 3 months away they had to decide if this white girl was somebody they could trust. But by the time I left today my name was being repeated like a broken record and my arms, lap, and heart were full. I love this place. Yes, it is an orphanage. Yes there are hurting children there. Yes, I wish places like these did not have to exist... I wish all children could stay happy and healthy with their parents where they would grow up loved and nurtured. But that is not reality. If I could move in there, have these children crawl into bed with me every night and wake up to their faces each morning, I think I would do it. Nowhere else in my life have I been able to pour out so much of Christ's love and see Him work in such huge ways! Nowhere else on earth do I feel so close to my creator, and so called to bring the troubles that lie within the compound walls to His feet knowing He is the only one who can transform these children. 

     These children, before I even get into the compound are calling my name. Toddlers who know my knock...See my shoes under the gate...Know that after breakfast, Hannah comes. Their lives, their treasured little souls, rejuvenate me in ways nothing else ever has before. 

     But being back today was not all sunshine and bliss. I was reminded yet again of the brokenness in our world. My little miss with a little less sparkle in her eyes. A 1.5kg baby boy abandoned on the streets Friday afternoon. I just want to fix it. To give up everything and take in these babies. To help strengthen just one more tiny soul. To extend my trip just one more month. To change just one more life. But then I am reminded that God did not NEED me for any of the things I have been a part of this year. But He graciously saw my heart willing and desiring to make a difference and He invited me along to be a part of what He was doing. 

     Since arriving in Ethiopia, my innocence has been shattered. My ability to simply exist in this world is gone. You see, in coming here I have been broken. Broken in a good way, but broken nevertheless. Broken for the lives of children who are thrown out. Broken for the hearts of children who will never feel a deep bond and security of a loving mother and father and a nurturing home. Broken for the reality that this world is about as far from perfect as things get, and yet I cannot change it. I cannot change the laws, provide a home for every child, and ensure every baby is loved. I sit here some nights wondering if by some stretch of the imagination I can. And believe me if there was a way I would find it. But in these times when I am reminded of how small I am in this world, it takes me to a deeper place of trusting God who is BIGGER than the brokenness of this world. 

     I wish I could fix it all. I really do. But I am left clinging to this quote and trusting that while I was here I did everything I could for the lives God placed in my path... 

"This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects far beyond our capabilities. We may never see the results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders, ministers not messiah, prophets of a future that is now our own, empowered by the Spirit who draws us onward." 

"You've Got Mail"

     While packing up my suitcases to move on to my 4th and final house in Ethiopia, I came across each and every card and letter that has been sent my way during the past year. O-N-E   H-U-N-D-R-E-D cards and letters. I knew my stack continued to grow, but this was the 1st time I had actually counted the sweet notes from you all back in the states. When I reached the triple digits I was overwhelmed. You all are so much of what keeps me going strong when times get tough. And those cards and letters... That's only the mail that came across the ocean. That's not counting the countless messages, care packages, e-mails, and texts I have gotten. Then there are the prayers that were sent up on my behalf... All I can say is THANK YOU; you all are the most amazing support.

     I have a slight fear that the Ethiopian postal service will not know what to do once my constant flow of mail coming and going draws to a close. Hopefully the whole economic system of Ethiopia does not come crashing down. :) 

To Everything a Season

Today, I am writing asking for special prayer. 

     Tomorrow, the baby girl I have been caring for will transition into her next home at the orphanage. As you can imagine, we have both bonded and grown very close to one another, so this transition will not be an easy one. 

     When she came into my world she was so tiny and fragile, desperately in need of love and steady care. That is where God called me into the picture. For the past few months she has received just that and has thrived. God brought each of us such a blessing when He merged our two lives, but now the time has come when our journey together must come to a close. As much as I try to detach and mentally prepare myself for what tomorrow will bring, it is not easy! It is not easy to think about dropping her off, it is not easy to think about going to sleep without her tiny snores beside me, it is not easy to think about waking up and not having her "good morning" smiles to greet me. 

     The Bible says "to everything there is a season...". What a beautiful season I was gifted with when God brought this little girl into my life. What a beautiful chance He gave me to be faithful and be part of sparing a life. Looking into the remainder of my time here, I will still have the opportunity to see her every day as I return to the orphanage. It is a far cry from having her safe and secure under my roof, but I am thankful for it nonetheless.  

 Tomorrow, please be in deep prayer for the steps that lay ahead of Little Miss and myself. My heart will shatter into a million pieces as I hand her off, even though I know this is what has to happen. Walking out of the gate without her in my arms will likely be the most difficult thing I have to face here--and to be honest I am terrified of the emotion that tomorrow will bring. Be in even deeper prayer for her as she enters total and complete newness. Pray that she develops healthy attachments, that she is deeply loved, that she would remain strong and healthy, that her bio-family would return for her, and that the time that God gave me to be a part of her life would forever change her. 

Past, Present, Future

     You may have noticed that I have taken on a more reflective mindset recently... That is because with less than 7 short weeks before this chapter in Ethiopia comes to a close, I find myself looking back on all that God has brought me through this year. Some of my greatest joys and deepest sorrows have taken place over the last 365 days as God has taught me what it is to love without limits and serve selflessly. 

     Even reflecting back on the year, preparing for what it will look like to close this chapter and open the next, I still see the great deal that remains ahead of me in the next 6.5 weeks. As I look at what is to come, I cannot help but see the extreme hurt and abundant joy that I am preparing to experience. Thoughts of allowing my little girl to enter he new life, away from me. The excruciating idea of saying "goodbye" to the boys that have filled my heart with their smiles, hugs, and laughter. The reality that I will hop on a plane in a few short weeks not knowing what God has in store for my future beyond Ethiopia. Now, you'd think with the story and unknowns accompanying my journey to Ethiopia I would be assured and content in the unknown, yet I remain human and wonder if I will ever be able to come back. 

     Even still, right along the hurt and sadness that will embody the coming weeks, there is abundant joy for what is to come. Joy at the thought of being back with my family. Joy in a year spent right where God wanted me, full of memories, love, and transformation. Joy in the thought of going into a grocery store and buying any food my heart desires. Joy in the ease of life and comforts of home. Joy in knowing clean feet are just weeks away. Joy in the fulfillment that comes with knowing that dreams can become reality and nothing is impossible with God. 

     Right now, as I find myself living simultaneously in the past, present, and future, I am loving life. Loving what I have been through, loving where I am now, and loving what I see ahead. If only I could figure out how to have it all, forever and always. And yet, that is not what God called me to. For this year, He called me to Ethiopia. But not forever... At least not that I know of yet. And when I leave this place and step both feet back onto American soil God will have a new mission for me. This time, something a little less extravagant than spending a year in a developing Third World country, and yet equally as important in my walk with Him and equally as important in bringing the Kingdom of God just a little bit closer to earth.  

A Sweet Sabbath

     What a fabulous sabbath day it has been! Today were the Ethiopian elections where they voted on a Prime Minister to serve the next 5 years in office. For us feringes, that meant laying low and staying home while the chaos ensued around us. Soddo stays pretty calm in general so I am sure there was nothing to worry about, but the caution remained the same. 

     Mid-morning Little Miss and I went over to our neighbor's to enjoy Sunday tea. One conversation led to another and it was 3:30pm by the time we left. It is amazing to me how God brings people into our lives in the most unexpected ways to us, and yet totally masterminded and planned in advance by Him. These dear friends have walked beside me for quite a few months serving as mentors, fellow missionaries, neighbors, and the dearest of friends. I count knowing them to be a blessing, and am so thankful that the next step for both of us leave us only a few hours apart. I see some road trips in my future! 

     This afternoon I started packing. Yes, PACKING! Next month, the month of June, I will move to my 4th and final house in my Ethiopian stay. The compound I live on now will be pretty empty and being a bit closer to town and nearer the missionary community brought on my decision to uproot one final time here. Missionaries who have headed home for the summer willingly opened up their house for me, and so I will wrap up my stay there. But that means packing up. The house I am in now (house #3) was my first ever home of my very own. Not many people get to say that their first house was in Africa, but I do! However, come Thursday I will say goodbye to this house, goodbye to life on the Tarapaza compound, and goodbye to the purple couches I have come to love. And with that I will be saying hello to my last full month here, hello to life a bit closer to town, and hello to hot showers! With 3 days and counting, Mission Move is a go.

     Caution: this side note contains material that may not be suitable for those with a weak stomach or who have a strong aversion to bugs. The only downside to my day... I just found a cockroach in my chocolate bumbalino. Guess they really were too good to be true.